The Heart Wants
by demon-slave92
Summary: Kagome is in love with Sesshomaru and would do just about anything to be with him. she just wants to be with him forever but he breaks things off with her so she's reflecting on a love that was one sided and is now lost. Three shot for now.
1. The Heart Wants

**The Heart Wants**

~~~*~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~

Sesshomaru has broken things off for the second time and even though Kagome hopes he'll come back for a third, fourth and fifth time, she can't help but feel as if she's losing him forever. She wants to hold onto him and love him because even though they were never in a committed relationship he meant so much to her, she was truly in love with him. She was in love with him when they first met: She and Sango would call a phone chat line and goof on the people on there but one Sunday night she called by herself and out of the blue there he was.

He wanted her phone number after only an hour of talking to her and she gave it to him, they had the same things in common, liked the same comedians and tv shows, she liked how he was attending his first year of college while she herself was only fifteen (though she didn't tell him). She made herself out to be eighteen years old, just finishing up high school and pretty soon he wanted to meet her. _In person_. She'd never done that before but she like him so much and his voice made her happy, his laugh made her happy, he made her happy.

And so they met at Starbucks in her town because she couldn't drive, though he didn't know the real reason for this, which led to them bonding, then heading to her house with only Sango residing in for the moment, which led to her mom coming home, which led to him finding out her real age (fifteen to his nineteen), which led to him saying he'd try to over look her age, which led to a good bye kiss outside her house that she'll never forget because he didn't use his tongue, just his body and lips, which led to her calling him at nine that night, which led to her first hot car sex for which she was ashamed.

For two days they texted and called each other and she thought, _oh Sesshomaru you are **the one**_, which lead to her thinking nothing could tear them apart but he calls three days after hot car sex to say he feels terrible for taking advantage of her and that he would like to be friends and that she was his perfect girl if only she was eighteen, which makes her so angry because she feels she's mature and that he is over reacting but there is no talking him out of this crazy decision.

So for the next few weeks they text and she holds out hope that they'll be together all the while feeling hurt that he wont even see her in person. Then one April night she calls his phone after he said he would call but he never did and his phone immediately went to voice mail and so the next few days were spent calling him and hoping he would answer, which he never did, so she's leave a message asking if he was ok and she'd briefly describe her day hoping he'd call back. He never did and after a week or two she began to get angry she and Sango prank called his number whenever they were bored. Once she called him and told him she was pregnant and he went into a panic, she felt so bad she immediately took it back but all of her friends said she should have kept the lie going and she always wonders what would have happened if she had been pregnant or if she had prolonged the lie.

Her birthday is in August and he doesn't call or text even though he has her house number along with her old cell phone but after a while she stops thinking about him. Then towards the end of September she can't get him out of her head, she writes about him in her diary and twice tried to remember his phone number to call or text him but even though she knows she has the right numbers the order is mixed up. One day she looks back at her diary and she sees his number and types it into her EnV2 and went to the movies. During the movie she texts him and at first doesn't tell him who she is but after giving him clues as to who she is they begin to talk and he tells her he isn't mad at her for prank calling him, _it's the past_, he said. Again she has hope, she thinks _maybe now is our time, now we can be together_.

The beginning month of October is warm and as she watches the wedding of her two bosses from her bakery. She longs for him and they arrange to meet after the wedding. Sango's dad drops her home and after dropping her goodies home she goes outside and there he is. She slips into the passenger seat and buckles up, she's nervous. They head to Starbuck's, which she sees whenever she walks home from work where she usually thinks about him when she passes, and go to the drive thru. She's wearing her peach colored dress and gold two inch heels and her head band and even though the dress reaches her knees she's hoping she looks skinny to him,_ skinny and pretty and beautiful_.

They drive around, deep into the suburbs, where he parks and they talk and he kisses her and she kisses back. They move to the back seat and she's so happy she could cry, and at that moment her allergies make her nose burn and her eye waters and he asks if she's crying she makes a joke out of it because she feels if she tells him she has this weird allergy he wont believe her. Again they have hot car sex and she gets really into it, the way he hardly makes a sound unless it's to tell her she's giving really good head, he says it in a way that makes her feel really good, like he only ever wants her to give him head, the way he kisses her sides and whirls his tongue on her skin, the way he goes deep, which hurts her but she's willing to endure it because he rests his head in the curve of her shoulder and neck, and she would die to hear him say _come closer_, as if she's all he'll ever need.

While he's driving to her house to drop her home they talk of his abandonment of her, he says it won't happen again, they talk of him maybe letting her drive his car even though she doesn't have a permit and when he drops her home she's suddenly nervous again, he asks for a goodbye kiss and she at first says _no_ playfully but ends up pecking him on the lips with him promising to text and she goes inside her house.

They text for two weeks, trying to hangout but they'd never be on the right schedule but he would tell her he couldn't wait to see her and they'd talk and once when a guy friend told her he no longer wanted to be friends she called him when he was at dinner with his brother and he talked to her in this caring voice which made her cry even more and miss him and wish he was holding her they hung up after she felt better and he promised to call when he was done with dinner, which he did.

The next time they met was Wednesday in October, they sat on her couch, they made out, they went to her room and continued to make out, soon they stood to remove their clothes and as she looked at his chest she was captivated, he had a tan that was fading so his chest had little spots all over them and she bent to kiss them, as if blessing him. She felt slightly uncomfortable because she hadn't waxed or anything and she felt maybe he didn't like that but he didn't say anything so she put it out of her mind. They kissed and touched each others upper halves and she his lower, and soon he was within her. It hurt, very badly and he told her _the pain will go away, I promise_. She finds the pain weird because it wasn't her first second or third time but when he said those word she knew what was next and she was right, _come closer_.

But maybe that was the problem, she wanted to be too close to him, she didn't want to lose him, she wanted him to be with her. After they were finished they went back to the living room where they sat together and cuddled. They talked and laughed and he watched ESPN on tv while she was content just holding him and just happy to know him, to know a man/boy like him existed and she fooled herself into thinking he was all her's.

After that she was on cloud nine, she was back at that place where she doesn't think anything can tear them apart and after a few days he becomes distant and then he breaks it off. He tells her he's been talking to someone and he's _trying to do the right_, what ever the right was Kagome had no idea. First came acceptance, a knowledge that he wasn't her's and that they were over. Next was anger, _he promised he wouldn't do this, he said it would be different_. She wants to cry and call him but he had also told her he was seeing someone else and he was_ trying to be all about__** her**_, whoever **her** is. She didn't ask because hearing that he was leaving her and for another woman was enough, she didn't need the girl's life story.

Next was denial and it was so easy to slip into, _it's ok, if I give him space he'll come back to me, we got a second chance, we'll have a third_. Then came the sadness and the loneliness and this crazy hope. She hoped for a way for him to come back into her life, she hoped to be carrying his child. A cute little pale bundle of flesh that would have his lips, his hair, his eyes, something she could pour all of her love for him into. But she knows she could never be a teenage mother and she couldn't make him a father, couldn't even guarantee he'd want to be there or that he'd be ok with whatever she choose to do.

But lately sometimes when she wakes up she just feels like she's pregnant, she feels sick, not enough to throw up but a small upsetting of her stomach, a slight dizziness, weakness in the knees. She wishes she were the type of girl guys stayed with and loved and cared for, she wished Sesshomaru would let her love him because no matter what he seems like he's happy having nobody love him and she feels terrible because all she wants to do is love him, show him affection and what she gets is tears on her pillow.

~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~

**An**: very personal, just had to get that out there.


	2. What The Heart Wants

**What The Heart Wants**

12-25-08

Merry Christmas. And yes this is just a thinly disguised memoir

* * *

She's become depressed: She can't stop thinking about him. She wants him, to talk to him and to know him but she doesn't dare. So she continues her everyday life missing him all the time, thinking about him, and day dreaming of a happier future for them both. She makes Honor Roll, starts a new journal, goes to work and comes home where she lays in bed and wishes he were next to her. It's a crap way to live and she hates it.

Sometimes when she has a spare minute she'll let herself hate him. Hate him for taking advantage of her, not once but twice. She wants to hate him forever, it's a lot easier than missing him. She can't stop thinking about how he crushed her and dismissed her feelings. But then she thinks about his voice, the different pitches, the way it gets low when he kissed her, she thinks of how caring he can be, like when he called her whenever he said he would and talked to her when she was upset. At that point she just wants to call him and say_ take me back_ but of course she resisted.

It's November twentieth...it's his birthday! All day at school she worries about it: should she call, text, or ignore it? How can she ignore it? It's the day he came into the world! He's turning twenty...and she's still sixteen. Is this why he broke it off, because it was almost his birthday and he's now four years older again? The day was almost over and she's looked at his name in her phone the whole day. Before she can change her mind she sends him a happy birthday text. He didn't reply.

A week later is thanksgiving and she's determined to talk to him. She wants him to say anything, she wants this break or whatever they're going through to end, soon. So after working six hours at the bakery she texts him. Still no reply. Time goes on and sometimes she misses him a lot, so much that she feels so lonely. All the time. The loneliness just won't go away and she doesn't know what to do anymore. A part of her though, this part that no matter what anyone does to her, says to her, has hope. That's the problem with loneliness, it leaves you living for the hope of a tomorrow that will never materialize.

One Saturday night she's sitting at home surfing the web. When she notices one of her ex has changed his profile picture. In the picture he's got a girl hugging his neck from behind and they look **so happy**. She starts to tear up because he was her's first. She was with him before that girl yet that girl kept him, somehow. What hurt wasn't that he had a girlfriend, it was the fact that he had told her less than five days ago he wanted to see her again and when she explains she wanted commitment he had said he didn't want a girlfriend. She was so upset she started to cry, why didn't anyone want to be with **her**?

What was so wrong with her that someone found it impossible to just be with her and her alone? She knows she's not the greatest girl out there, she's not as pretty, or tall, she doesn't have the right sense of humor, she's just not girlfriend material. But the thing is, she wants to be so bad. Her ex getting a girlfriend was the final straw in a long list of things that could go wrong. Kagome went to her room, layed on her bed and cried for a few minutes. Then she sat there feeling lonely and thats when the urge hit her: She just had to hear Sesshomaru's voice even if it was just his voice mail. She debated and then at nine thirty on the dot she called him:

**Ring...**

**Ring...**

**Ring...**

**Ring...**

**Ring...**

**Ring...**

_**Your call has been forward to...**_

When she heard his voice she hung up quickly. Had he ignored her call? Did he not want to deal with her? She was glad she had hung up because she didn't know what she would have said that wouldn't have sounded needy, whinny, or end with her crying to his voice mail, she's learned from that mistake. She doesn't want to alienate him, no she wants to draw him closer. So she devises a plan to stop communication, end everything: All of her feelings.

On monday she's home sitting at her computer when her phone alerts her to a text.

**Text message from _Sesshomaru_...**

_**Beep....**_

_She can't breathe_

**Beep....**

_Her hearts beating fast_

**Beep....**

_Damn it hurts_

**Beep**

She doesn't know what hurts more, the fact that she couldn't breathe the moment before or that her heart beat is off the charts. She puts her hand on her chest and opens her phone. Instead of view now she clicks view later. Then she texts Sango and notifies her of the change in status quo. After Sango texted her to look at it, she did. And she was very disappointed:

From: Sesshomaru

**You called the other night?**

_She was surprised because a foolish part of her, her heart, had hoped he'd be wanting her, begging her to be with him. **Women are so stupid.**_

Kagome:

oh yeah i did. Sorry

From: Sesshomaru

**Its all good..what you want?**

_Oh god, she hated the way he phrased that: like she hadnt offered herself to him on three different occasions, she wonders if he ever thinks of her when he gets into his car._

Kagome:

yea idk...haha

From: Sesshomaru

Oh ok

Kagome:

yea sorry i don't know why i do that.

From: Sesshomaru

Its ok

Kagome:

way to say thank you when i texted you happy birthday

Kagome:

Yea well

From: Sesshomaru

oh sorry..well thanks

Kagome:

so why'd you text me and welcome

From: Sesshomaru

Um bc you called me the other nite

Kagome:

you could have ignored it

_She wants him to admit he** had** hit ignored but she also wants to know why he texted her **two days** after she called._

From: Sesshomaru

Yea

Kagome:

Why didn't you?

From: Sesshomaru

idk

Kagome:

Ok. are we friends? Lol can we be friends? Is that even possible?

_She added that lol because she didn't want to sound nagging, it's something she needs to work on._

From: Sesshomaru

yeaa thats possible

Kagome:

so whats new?

_She just never wanted him to go._

From: Sesshomaru

not much just been working goin to school working out same old shit...you

_She wonders why he put in the working out thing. Is he trying to impress her? She was already impressed._

Kagome:

i joined a kick boxing classss = D. Work. Made honor roll. And yea thats really it.

From: Sesshomaru

cool

Kagome:

yea its fun. Hows school and work and...stuff.

_She doesn't know what else to say. How much longer could this go on?_

From: Sesshomaru

ok i guess ive been busy.

Kagome:

how many days of vacation do you have? You sound really not happy.

_What she really meant was he sounded bored and uninterested in the conversation._

Kagome:

are you not happy?

_No matter what she can't stop caring. She really does care if he's happy. It's just that she wants him to be happy with her._

From: Sesshomaru

Im happy

_She was hoping to hear** i'm miserable without you. That girl wasn't real, i made her up!**_

From: Sesshomaru

and im only off xmas the day after and new years day

_Why was he telling her this? Maybe there was hope..._

Kagome:

wow, I thought college kids got a month off. I got sixteen days off so i feel said for you.

From: Sesshomaru

well i go to trade school its different bc its school with work so im only off when im off from work

_Aaah she wished she could hear his voice._

Kagome:

oh ok. I see. So your turn

_Talk dammit!_

Kagome:

so question..why'd you stop talking to me?

_She wants to know so bad._

From: Sesshomaru

idk. Im just rele busy with other things

Kagome:

you stopped talking to me because you were busy? Or was it something else?

From: Sesshomaru

well both i met a girl and whatnot and idk

Kagome:

ok so you met the love of your life, so that meant never talking to me again?

_God, she's so tired of being ditched._

From: Sesshomaru

shes not the love of my life and idk

_She almost got on her knees and thanked God_.

Kagome:

yea you do know. Just tell me

From: Sesshomaru

Im serious

Kagome:

lol. Ok. Fine. I'll stop.

_Because she didn't want to make him go away, for the third time._

From: Sesshomaru

Ok

Kagome:

sooo, what'd you get me for xmas...You got me something riiight

_She needed to lighten the mood and keep him talking but she's afraid to talk about anything deep, anything that's been burning her mind since she felt his lips again October thirteen, just a few months ago._

From: Sesshomaru

Haha umm no

Surprise surprise. She shouldn't be sad, but she is a little. Although she didn't get him anything either it wasn't because she hadn't thought about it, she thought about getting him a birthday present too but then realized there would be no point, she'd probably end up wearing it anyways.

Kagome:

wait. You didn't get me anything for my birthday or xmas...um are you stupid?

_She wish they'd gotten to know each other better, she's a little worried he might think she's serious._

From: Sesshomaru

Unm no

Kagome:

so wheres my gift, Sesshomaru?

From: Sesshomaru

idk lol

_Yes, she got him to laugh...does this mean there's a chance for them? Third times a charm._

Kagome:

I think you got like everyone in the world a gift but me...i saw homeless people on the street and they're like "look what Sesshomaru got me!" and i'm like "wooow where's my gift?..."

From: Sesshomaru

Hahaha your silly

_She couldn't stop smiling. God, he was endearing. Fuck, no one should want another person like this, especially when they certainly dont want you back. But what does he want? Was he **flirting?**_

Kagome:

...you think I'm kidding don't you? I will send you a picture of me with a guy who you got a gift.

_She sent him a picture of her with her friends boyfriend when they all camped out Best Buy the day after thanksgiving._

_She couldn't let it end. It was so stupid, she just wanted to talk to him but how do you tell a guy who obviously fears commitment you just plain old miss him? Without him taking it like a death sentence. **Men are so stupid.**_

Kagome:

nooow. Im gonna ask one more time...so, Sesshomaru...where's my gift?

From: Sesshomaru

i didn't get you one

Kagome:

oo. that wasn't the answer but nice try. The correct answer was in the mail. Sooorry.

_He stopped answering_

Kagome:

what would you say if i was like you turned me gay?

From: Sesshomaru

haha idk i prob wouldn't care

Kagome:

I'd like die if someone did that to me. Imagine being the person that makes someone realize "no, i like people the same sex as me".

From: Sesshomaru

that would be horrible

_she couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic and she was sorry she said anything, she was just grasping at nothing._

Kagome:

you know that CD you wanted me to make? I just made it like two weeks ago.

He never replies. And she doesn't try to text him. She's decided to continue on with ending all contact. If he wants to talk he'll text her, right? Soon it's Christmas day, a few days after they've texted. At eight fifty one AM he texted her:

From: Sesshomaru

merry Christmas

She texted back when she got the chance.

Kagome:

Hey Merry Christmas.

He hasn't texted back. She'll give him space. In the mean time she's trying to be better, get to know herself...yea she's started reading self help books.

* * *

AN. Merry Christmas again. i just want to know what you guys think the whole conversation means? i'm confused.


	3. What's Love Really Feel Like?

* * *

**W**hat's **L**ove** R**eally **F**eel **L**ike**?**

* * *

It was another lonely Saturday night, all by herself. Which was never good because she did stupid things when she was alone. She was laying in her bed listening to her iPod and looking through her phone. She saw his number...

_Ring_

_Ring_

_Ring_

_You've reached the voice mail box of 555-5555..._

"Sango! It's nine twenty five, I'm giving you until nine thirty to call me back and stop me from calling Sesshomaru!" and she hung up. Five minutes later it was nine thirty, she held her breath and clicked send while her heart pulsated against her ribcage.

"Hello?" He shouted into the phone, fighting to be heard over the loud music.

"Hey..." She hadn't thought he would answer.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing...You?"

"I'm at a bar so I can't talk now, I'll call you later."

"Okay." She hangs up feeling weird, gosh he sounded sexy... She has always loved his voice, the way he pronounced words and overall spoke sounded so sexy. She didn't think she could ever get enough of that boy because no self help book, no amount of talking (to her self or anyone else) no matter how rational and right the ideas, could ever stop her from caring about that man. It was a curse, she cared too much.

The next day she's up at nine AM, early for a Sunday. She speaks to Sango for a while until they hang up and she's left alone with herself. She couldn't resist:

"Hey. Sorry I didn't call back last night I was so out of it." Oh how she wished she could wake up to his voice everyday.

"It's okay, I knew you wouldn't call me back," even when they had been friends (sort of) she had to call him.

"So what are you doing?" he asked.

"Laying in bed, you?" She was hoping he'd think of the time they'd been in her bed, together moist with sweat and other bodily fluids. Did he not think of how he put her legs over his shoulder and held them so firmly and sensually that she could still feel the heat of his hands?

"Taking out the trash, my socks are soaked," Aw. He was so cute, he had to know what he was doing to her, she wondered if he was half naked. It's hard to think of him in clothes and not want to rip them off and see him bare because he was so beautiful naked. She only wished he'd say that about her.

"That's so cute you're taking out the trash."

"Hold on. Hey Tyler what's up...Does anyone want this slice of pizza?...Anyways what are you doing today?"

"Laying in bed until I have work at five." She says smiling.

"Lazy."

"I know," she giggles and hopes he finds her attractive, she feels hope beaming on the horizon.

"Okay, I've got to go eat this pizza but I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, have fun watching football and drinking until you puke," she knows he does this every weekend. When they hang up she's feeling excited. Maybe third time **is** a charm! When she's at work she can't wait to get home because she wants to call him from her bed and imagine him laying in his bed, to her that's better than sex. Instead she texts him because her boss was nice enough to drive her home and she wanted to talk to him.

Kagome:

My mom was like what ever happened to that Spanish kid you had over a few months ago and I laughed because you told me people always thought you were Spanish lol

Sesshomaru:

Well I'm glad ur mom was thinkin about me haha

Kagome:

Yeaa, she has it for you bad.

Sesshomaru:

Well tell her I'm available whenever she is

Kagome:

She says she's game when you are.

Sesshomaru:

Tell her I'm rede right now

_Oh why couldn't he be saying that to her?_

Kagome:

Well she's busy at the moment but I'm here.

Sesshomaru:

Haha

Kagome:

Kidding, I'm sooo not into you.

_She was so past "into" and was in "drowning"_

The next day she was walking to work when she called him. She sat on the side of a Blockbuster's and they talked, she didn't have to be at work for another nine minutes. He was telling her about his car accident that happened back in August and soon he was telling her about how on Friday he almost had sex with a thirty five year old women in a bar bathroom. She laughed as if she weren't disgusted and envious.

"...And the bouncer came in and was like you guys need to leave and I was like yeah I know, haha. But it was so bad, I'm so mad at myself."

"Was she at least hot?" Play it cool she kept repeating.

"Not at all."

"Wooow."

"And I gave her my number and like she keeps texting me but I'm not answering." She vaguely wonders about that girl he was trying to be "**all about**" but doesn't bring it up. He has to go eat dinner and they hang up.

The next day she's walking to work again and they're talking.

"Remember when we first met? I didn't even like you that much." She says. It feels important he knows he liked her more at one point.

"Liar. You were like obsessed with me."

"I was not!"

"Okay, I already know the truth. You called me like eight times Saturday night when I was asleep."

"I was leaving you really good messages, you should listen." She couldn't stop smiling.

"Anyways, why did you like message me or whatever that day?" It was something she's always wanted to know.

"I don't know, I heard your message and I was like oh she's eighteen and from New York, cool. But you were just lying to me."

"Hey, I told you the truth eventually!"

"I found out when your mom came home and you confessed outside." A_nd you gave me the sweetest kiss before you left_, she wants to say. She wants to say:

_Remember how you begged me for my number? How you said we had a connection, something you hadn't felt before? How you begged to meet me? Was that all just a **line**? Because I really felt that connection, I thought it was **real**. I still feel it._

Later that night she texts him.

Kagome:

So what don't you like about having sex with me?

_She only asked because she was curious and wanted to fix it, whatever it was that made her so unattractive, it would probably help her years from then, save her a ton on the therapy she knew she was going to need._

Sesshomaru:

Please stop. It's just you're sixteen and I'm twenty and that's honestly it. So I'm not gonna answer another question about this.

Kagome:

Wow. I'm sorry I didn't think it was a big deal. I'm just curious.

_She felt bad, she really was just curious. He didn't answer._

Kagome:

Hey. Sometimes I take things too far. I'll drop it.

He doesn't answer. Hours go by and soon she's at home on her couch and she just knows this is it. Nothing is ever going to happen between them but the sad thing is she just wants him more! She lays down and cries. She tried to stop the sound by pushing her face into the seat then by covering her mouth which seems to do the trick because she cries for half an hour straight and her mom didn't pause in her telephone conversation in her bedroom less than twenty feet away.

As she's crying she doesn't know if she'll ever be okay because nothing seems okay when you can't have what you want so desperately. She knows then that she loves him and that she'll always sort of be waiting for him, even if she finds another boy, another man, Sesshomaru stole her heart and she doesn't think she wants it back, it's too bruised.

* * *

An: For now it's finished. Terribly unhappy ending, I know. Chapter Title comes from the lyrics of a song by an amazing artist named Alfonzo. Visit him at My space /fonzoiii He's Amazing!

1/6/09

* * *


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